Ode to SMUT...

Going through some of my old files... I came across this gem. Let's take a trip down memory lane, shall we?

Ode to SMUT 

(Scandalous Mayhem Under Tinseltow)

This scene was written for The S.M.U.T. Show, performed December 2007 - March 2008 at Comix Comedy Club.

Copyright:Andrea Bertola. All Rights Reserved.

Characters: NICOLE RITCHIE, PARIS HILTON, LINDSEY LOHAN, BRITNEY SPEARS AND JESSICA SIMPSON.

Lights up on five hollywood socialites spread across the stage. Each one of them has a tabloid magazine open infront of her face. They each have an oversized purse filled with the "props" needed for this scene.

NICOLE

(Brings magazine down, reveals face)

Red carpet

BRITNEY

(Brings magazine down, reveals face)

Or in magazines

PARIS

(Brings magazine down, reveals face)

We are Hollywood's beauty queens.

JESSICA

(Brings magazine down, reveals face)

You say our looks are all we've got?

LINDSEY

(Brings magazine down, reveals face)

We don't care because...

PARIS

(Toss magazines aside)

"That's hot"!

NICOLE

We're socialites, we live the dream.

LINDSEY

The trends we set become mainstream.

PARIS

From Uggs to Juicy,

BRITNEY

Pinkberry too!

JESSICA

We start the trends we see on YOU.

NICOLE

From Boho chic 

BRITNEY

To trucker hats

LINDSEY

High heels one minute; the next its flats.

 PARIS

Jimmy Choos

NICOLE

(Points to her shirt)

And vintage tees

JESSICA

Sushi for lunch!

ALL

NEVER Chinese.

PARIS

(Show dog in purse)

Small dogs we carry in a purse.

NICOLE

A baby bump is not a curse!

LINDSAY

Blond, brunette, then Blond again--

JESSICA

--Our hair dresser is our best friend.

 Hair extensions down to our waist--

BRITNEY

--Fake hair's a trend we must embrace!

All pull out various phones, text or talk into phone over next section.

LINDSAY

We use Blackberry’s or the iphone

JESSICA

"Girls Wanna Have Fun" as our ringtone!

PARIS

(on blackberry)

We text all day, and text all night—

BRITNEY

"Real" conversations just don't feel right.

NICOLE

 For gossip we love TMZ!

PARIS

I only read the stories 'bout me.

JESSICA

We go on myspace, stalk our dates.

Why is SHE on HIS Top 8?!

LINDSEY

(Walks over to RAPPER GUYS, flirty)

Bed-hopping, boyfriend-swapping you can trade with me.

(RAPPERS do a "take")

BRITNEY

(Pointing to guys in audience)

I fucked him once, 

LINDSEY

I'll fuck him twice.

PARIS

"What’s an STD?"

(They all shrug)

Pause.

NICOLE

We give great head with one demand--

JESSICA

You know your wish is our command.

BRITNEY

Make sure you film us,

PARIS

Blackmail the tape.

 A sex-tape scandal, we can't escape!

NICOLE

(indicate Paris)

One night in Paris, you want a piece?

PARIS

(TO Nicole)

When you bed us, sign a release...

(They all pull a "release" from behind their backs. Hold out to the audience)

BRITNEY

We meet our men at the nightclub.

LINDSEY

We only go where we can snub.

PARIS

Bottle service and V-I-P

All

(Pointedly)

No, you cant sit down with me!

NICOLE

So whateves, I'm such a bitch

I don't care, I'm filthy rich

LINDSEY

O-m-g. I'm such a snob

But that chick needs a good nose job.

PARIS & NICOLE

(indicate Britney)

Fix her cankles and muffin top

JESSICA

 (To both)

Call her doctor, "Chop, chop, chop".

PARIS & NICOLE

(To eachother)

Cat fights with our frienemies

 We declare on message tees.

BRITNEY

Team Aniston

LINDSAY

vs. Team Jolie

NICOLE

Or team Nicole

PARIS

vs. Team Pariee.

BRITNEY

(Puts on huge sunglasses)

To escape the drama we run away

JESSICA

(Puts on huge sunglasses)

Save it for another day.

PARIS

(Puts on huge sunglasses)

To the spa

NICOLE

(Puts on huge sunglasses)

Or to the beach

LINDSEY

 (Puts on huge sunglasses)

Anywhere we can't be reached.

BRITNEY

When we fly its just first class

PARIS (or skinniest girl cast)

Big seats are needed for a little ass.

LINDSEY

We'll travel far for a weekend trip

JESSICA

We only go if the place is hip.

BRITNEY

Maui!

NICOLE

Ibiza!

PARIS

 St.Tropez!

LINDSAY

South beach, Miami is kind of gay.

JESSICA

Paris for shopping, but The French are creeps.

All

(To pump up a NYC Audience)

We love New York, the City never sleeps!!!!

(Applause, hoots, hollers!)

 PARIS

(All take off sunglasses)

At trendy restaurants we see and be seen

 NICOLE

Eat dinner? No way, I'll have a saltine.

LINDSAY

Koi, the Ivy or Mr. Chow.

BRITNEY

The Olive Garden?

PARIS

EW, lowbrow!

NICOLE

Our figures resemble preteens’

We wear size zero, skinny jeans

JESSICA

Diet fads, or the master cleanse

BRITNEY

It makes us shit, so we wear 'Depends'!

(Lifts skirt to reveal Depends)

LINDSAY

We live on coffee from Mr. Bean.

Red bull addicts,

ALL

(A bit crazed))

Need more caffeine!

BRITNEY

A Starbucks run for a photo opt.

NICOLE

We flick off cameras and tell them...

ALL

(Bitchy, half-assed)

"Stop".

PARIS

(posing)

Oh paparazzi, we love you--

JESSICA

(sarcastic, indicating Paris)

--But posing is just so taboo.

LINDSAY

When we get a d-u-i

The public is our alibi.

NICOLE

And when we have our day in court--

PARIS

--We know we'll have our fans support.

BRITNEY

We make headlines at any price.

LINDSAY

The tabloids are our main device.

JESSICA

(Over enthusiastic) 

We love the attention, we live for fame!!!

NICOLE

Gossip is the name of the game.

LINDSAY

So say we're a hoe.

BRITNEY

Call us a slut.

 All

Just keep buying your Celebrity Smut.

BLACKOUT

Sound cue: “Beverly Hills”, Weezer.